I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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