I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
