4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
