Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
