i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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