my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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