Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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