so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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