How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
