If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
