How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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