Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize