if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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