my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
