Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
