I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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