He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
