Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
