If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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