i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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