I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
