Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
