PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
worst night to have a conscience
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
