Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
