her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
