There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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