I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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