Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
