i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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