giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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