I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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