Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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