On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
