I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
