Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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