yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
