i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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