it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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