My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize