You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
