I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
