If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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