Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
