I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
