I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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