Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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