I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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