i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
