im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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