Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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