About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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