Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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