the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
His nipple licking is glorious
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