Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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