Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Randomize
