I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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