Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
