You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
