where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
