dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Let's paint friendship bongs
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
