so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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