My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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