Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
