I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
